Towards the end of 2009 my sense of religion and spirituality was changing. I was slowly breaking free of the hold the JW's beliefs had over me. The more I thought of things, the more I realized so much didn't make sense. I ended up writing a blog about all that was in my head. Some of it may sound a bit angry and I think I was. I was raised to believe in certain things and to realize how so much of it really doesn't make sense....of course I'd be a bit angry. Anyway, I closed down my account on the site I originally had this blog, so I am re-posting it here. I a re-posting it because I believe it has valuable perspective and that still deserves to be shared.
Nov. 14th, 2009 at 11:19 PM
So here's the thing...I grew up in a
very religious household. Though it didn't make my childhood any less
dysfunctional. But that's its own story. lol! Growing up a JW wasn't horrible.
I don't regret it at all. It did teach me alot of things. Things that even now
I hold too. However it did have its drawbacks....and now that I have already
suffered the consequences of those drawbacks they are alot clearer then they
ever were to me before. And those are the reasons I ended up getting kicked out
of the organization/church.
And it was two simple concepts that I no longer agreed with that held me back from returning to that religion, something my family is almost holding there breathe for. And I did kinda explain one of those things to my Mom, which she amazingly seemed to understand and accept. Mainly those two things were 1) being told that GOD wanted me to stay in a loveless marriage. I mean are you kidding me?? Why would I want to stay in a marriage that I didn't want to be in, where I no longer love and respected that person, and I would just be miserable in?? Because God wanted me too??? NO! I can't believe that a truly loving God would be ok with that. I grew up in a family where my parents appeared to mainly stay together for me and my brother AND probably cuz of God too. And grant you there is alot more to that as well, such as extreme co-dependance. I REFUSED to live a life like that! God or no God. 2) I will never walk down the aisle without living with that person first. I learned the hard way, that regardless of the care taken when dating (as JW's are so particular with) you never REALLY know a person until you have lived with them. And looking back the way JW's handle dating and marriage....well I just don't agree with it. I don't advocate very young people having premarital sex. I think that a young person should be taught some respect for that act. However, when one is an adult and looking for someone to settle down with, sex is an important aspect to that relationship. Its not the MOST important, but not unimportant. And like living with a person, it too is an important thing to be able to explore with that potential person before making the commitment of marriage. Despite being married and divorced twice, I do have a respect for the sanctity of marriage. It should not be taken lightly. But you should feel free to explore the entire person for all they are and will be. And sadly most JW young adults tend to get married early, either so they can have sex.....or because dating more then one person (not at the same time I mean) is not really done. Its as almost like you are expected to marry the first person you date...and that is just so WRONG! And I could not in good conscious raise any children I have like that.
As my life has continued to grow and change and learn new things....its amazing the things you realize. I mean just reading a fiction book, which concepts that may or may not be real or realistic, can open ones eyes. Will make one see a different perspective. And boy have my eyes/mind been opened. And alot of the beliefs and concepts I was taught growing up I am seeing in a different light, which shed whole new light creating new concepts that in some ways make more sense. Or at the very least, just gives it a more balanced view.
Now these concepts I can't really share with my family. I don't want to end up sounding like some sort of apostate. I'm actually not really cursing God or anything like that. And I don't actually want to shake the faith of my own family. They would kinda have to come to it in there own time, they might not be able to handle such difference of perspective. But its so.....OMG!....to me, that I have to get it out somehow. Hence this blog.
Now most of what I am doing is comparing other ideas and even beliefs of other religions and comparing them to JW beliefs I was raised with.
We can start with the beginning of time. lol! JW's don't believe in evolution. They believe that God created the world in 5000 years (or 5 days to God), during the following 1000 yrs (1 day) he created humans (Adam and Eve) and then rested during the following 1000 yrs (7th day). I personally have never thought evolution made much sense. Tho some do believe that it was God who actually started the evolutionary process. And just let it develop from there. I suppose this could be possible. I mean what really took place during each of those sets of 1000 years? I mean did it really take God and the angels that long to build all the aspects of the world?? If the evolutionary process was indeed started by God and let to develop then the concept of Adam and Eve is obsolete.
And all of this raises interesting questions. I mean if you examine plant life and animal life....all of it has that grand design of growing and decaying and dying. Animal life has the whole food chain. All which is accepted as how it should be. Since it actually naturally keeps the population of animals under control. Its the beauty of Nature. Well isn't that how God created it?? Why would he create the life and death of plants and animals be a natural course, but humans are different. Supposedly Adam and Eve were created perfect, clearly superior to animals. But since humans procreate as well, and are also considered a mammal. Why would we not also have the whole life and death process, protecting the balance of the population???
And it was two simple concepts that I no longer agreed with that held me back from returning to that religion, something my family is almost holding there breathe for. And I did kinda explain one of those things to my Mom, which she amazingly seemed to understand and accept. Mainly those two things were 1) being told that GOD wanted me to stay in a loveless marriage. I mean are you kidding me?? Why would I want to stay in a marriage that I didn't want to be in, where I no longer love and respected that person, and I would just be miserable in?? Because God wanted me too??? NO! I can't believe that a truly loving God would be ok with that. I grew up in a family where my parents appeared to mainly stay together for me and my brother AND probably cuz of God too. And grant you there is alot more to that as well, such as extreme co-dependance. I REFUSED to live a life like that! God or no God. 2) I will never walk down the aisle without living with that person first. I learned the hard way, that regardless of the care taken when dating (as JW's are so particular with) you never REALLY know a person until you have lived with them. And looking back the way JW's handle dating and marriage....well I just don't agree with it. I don't advocate very young people having premarital sex. I think that a young person should be taught some respect for that act. However, when one is an adult and looking for someone to settle down with, sex is an important aspect to that relationship. Its not the MOST important, but not unimportant. And like living with a person, it too is an important thing to be able to explore with that potential person before making the commitment of marriage. Despite being married and divorced twice, I do have a respect for the sanctity of marriage. It should not be taken lightly. But you should feel free to explore the entire person for all they are and will be. And sadly most JW young adults tend to get married early, either so they can have sex.....or because dating more then one person (not at the same time I mean) is not really done. Its as almost like you are expected to marry the first person you date...and that is just so WRONG! And I could not in good conscious raise any children I have like that.
As my life has continued to grow and change and learn new things....its amazing the things you realize. I mean just reading a fiction book, which concepts that may or may not be real or realistic, can open ones eyes. Will make one see a different perspective. And boy have my eyes/mind been opened. And alot of the beliefs and concepts I was taught growing up I am seeing in a different light, which shed whole new light creating new concepts that in some ways make more sense. Or at the very least, just gives it a more balanced view.
Now these concepts I can't really share with my family. I don't want to end up sounding like some sort of apostate. I'm actually not really cursing God or anything like that. And I don't actually want to shake the faith of my own family. They would kinda have to come to it in there own time, they might not be able to handle such difference of perspective. But its so.....OMG!....to me, that I have to get it out somehow. Hence this blog.
Now most of what I am doing is comparing other ideas and even beliefs of other religions and comparing them to JW beliefs I was raised with.
We can start with the beginning of time. lol! JW's don't believe in evolution. They believe that God created the world in 5000 years (or 5 days to God), during the following 1000 yrs (1 day) he created humans (Adam and Eve) and then rested during the following 1000 yrs (7th day). I personally have never thought evolution made much sense. Tho some do believe that it was God who actually started the evolutionary process. And just let it develop from there. I suppose this could be possible. I mean what really took place during each of those sets of 1000 years? I mean did it really take God and the angels that long to build all the aspects of the world?? If the evolutionary process was indeed started by God and let to develop then the concept of Adam and Eve is obsolete.
And all of this raises interesting questions. I mean if you examine plant life and animal life....all of it has that grand design of growing and decaying and dying. Animal life has the whole food chain. All which is accepted as how it should be. Since it actually naturally keeps the population of animals under control. Its the beauty of Nature. Well isn't that how God created it?? Why would he create the life and death of plants and animals be a natural course, but humans are different. Supposedly Adam and Eve were created perfect, clearly superior to animals. But since humans procreate as well, and are also considered a mammal. Why would we not also have the whole life and death process, protecting the balance of the population???
When analyzing the story of Adam and Eve, alot seems to not add up. God had already created all animals and what not before Adam. He created male and female animals so they can mate etc etc, even some plants have that as well. So why wouldn't he start out creating humans the same way??? Why wait for Adam to ask God for a mate? God being an all knowing perfect God, wouldn't he has anticipated this need?? And when Eve was created, and they existed in the Garden of Eden for how long, before they got kicked out??? Why had they not procreated until AFTER they got kicked out?? And what's up with the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Bad. If everything was perfect in the beginning, there was no bad. Nothing was bad. Everything was good. So how could there be Knowledge of Bad? Satan, being one of God's angel, deceives Eve into eating the fruit from the Forbidden Tree and then she in turn gets Adam to eat it. Well first, how in the world did one of God's own angels go behind his back and deceive Eve?? How did God not know that it was happening or even going to happen?? Being an all knowing God with no one else on the earth to look after and he didn't know that one of his own angels was about to screw everything up??? It makes you either question whether God is truly perfect and all knowing.....or that he actually LET Satan do it. And assuming that he did LET it happen. How fair is it, that Adam and Eve were punished. They didn't know what a Lie was. What it meant to be deceived. They had the innocence of children. Yes they were told not to eat from the tree. And the obeyed until it was brought into question. Were they ever warned that it was possible that they would be led to believe something other then what God said??? Of course not. And why was it that when they ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Bad and suddenly they were aware and ashamed of their nakedness?? Is nakedness supposed to be Bad???
Now supposedly at this time, is when God's Universal Sovereignty came into question. Which is why God allowed Adam and Eve to become imperfect and die and the world to continue on as it is today. To show that people will serve God no matter what. However, it wasn't Man who questioned God's Sovereignty....it was Satan....his own angel....who questioned it all. So why not deal with the matter amongst the angels. Why use humans as an experiment? Why make us suffer to prove something to angels?? Why would God need to prove anything to his Angels?? Assuming that Angels also have Free Will, is it really us humans that keep them serving God?? It just doesn't add up. And why was Satan allowed to stay in Heaven as long as he did? Why wait till 1914 to kick Satan out of Heaven to the earth? I mean Satan defied God, ruined his Creation and humans get punished but what does Satan get??? Kicked out of Heaven centuries later. And supposedly to be bound in a Pit to be kept away from Humans....but only for a short time....then he gets let out again....and for who knows how long...and THEN......THEN he gets destroyed?? I mean really??? Clearly even rebel angels get preferred treatment over us Humans.
And to quickly jump ahead into what JW's have to look forward too....Paradise on Earth. Something that is supposed to be a reward to us faithfully serving him thru Armageddon. BUT....a reward at what cost. Loss of free will??? I mean we are supposed to be allowed to grow to perfection....only to have Satan released again and wreak whatever havoc he can....and those who mess up get destroyed on the spot. And even assuming you survive all that....and Satan is destroyed....who's the stop a different Angel from starting the cycle all over again?? What assurance does he give US that his angels won't screw it up for us again??? Absolutely none!
And if everyone is perfect and not supposed to die, how is the population kept under control?? And what does it mean to be perfect? Ok no sickness or growing old. Cool! But we get to keep our own personalities right?? Well does being perfect mean that no one will ever experience anger or sadness? Isn't that a part of Human emotions?? We will only experience Happiness??? Will children never disobey? I mean a part of growing up is learning how to make decisions. Will we suddenly not ever make BAD decisions??? I mean hell Adam and Eve were perfect and they had free will, and they made a wrong choice. Won't we have the same ability to do it again? To make a wrong choice? I mean its common that there is personality conflicts. Everyone is different and some people may just rub others the wrong way. Or will we not be allowed to feel that?? I mean if you break it down to the most simplest level.....using Adam and Eve as a basis of what perfection means......it does not mean NOT making the wrong choice. On a physical level perfection makes sense. But on a mental level its not possible to be so perfect that you could have free will and NEVER make a wrong choice. Unless we are provided with the right answers all the time....but then free will wouldn't exist would it? And we would be set up to fail when Satan is released again. No one would pass and therefore everyone would be destroyed. So really what is this Paradise supposed to be?? I mean all the pictures depict this Garden like state of the world. Does this mean we lose all the technology we have gained??? If so, why? Shouldn't we be allowed to live the advanced life that we have created for ourselves? When you contemplate all of this, I'm not really sure this Paradise is something I want. At the very least its not going to be all that its cracked up to be.
If you examine how one is supposed to get to be in Paradise is already a fucked up plan. Basically your supposed to be a JW and worshiping God as they do. If you aren't, then your fucked. I mean where is the Free Will there?? You know I get if you say that only those trying to live a good life and be good people can get in. So yeah people who are murders and perverts etc etc won't make it. But to punish those who choose not to live there life in that specific way. Well God is being partial right there. And the idea that the United Nations are going to try to get everyone to be the same religion??? I mean what person or political organization is going to do that...logically. To do that would be political suicide. And the United Nations is made up of people representing those thru out the world and their cultures etc. Why would they be willing to turn there back on their own cultures. I mean your talking about worldwide uproar. All other religions/cultures wouldn't tolerate it. Everyone would go underground. The whole thing is just absurd. Not to mention that it would be like taking a HUGE step back in time. I mean Hitler and Communism is all the result of such ideas. For any political organization to suddenly go back on all the religious toleration that has developed over the years...just doesn't make sense. UNLESS....it wasn't by Human means. Meaning that God intervened and MADE them do something they wouldn't otherwise do. Now again....this is also taking away of Free Will. And if God really does hold to Free Will, then alot of this just isn't as feasible as its made out to be.
Now it may sound like I am blaming God or making it out that God isn't all he's made out to be. And I'm not doing or saying that necessarily. I believe God exists, and it would bother me greatly to think he really isn't perfect and all knowing. And I'm not saying he has purposely created this Life to be this way. However, I don't think he is totally free from being a part of it. Just as we do in making decisions....he made a choice. A choice to let Humans and the Earth to continue on a particular path. I'm not going to say that he purposely planted Satan to deceive Adam and Eve and thus bring out imperfection. No one can really know for sure. And hope to God that isn't the case. But regardless of how it all came about it....it did. And his choice was to let it continue. So while it may not be his fault technically. There is an indirect link. And it brings alot into question. Everything that exists today including all that is bad is a natural result of the world progressing as it was left to do. And if Creation was simply God creating Energy and Matter and from there it started the evolution process and everything came about from there.....means that imperfection always existed. And God just chose to watch and wait and see how it all progresses. Choosing not to interfere. And assuming that Christ did indeed get set down here...then for what? To ransom us? Random us from what? If God plans on rectifying all that is wrong with this world....why wait? Why not do it sooner rather then later?
There are plenty of other misc things that I call into question. Things that JW's are taught are wrong...yet there is evidence of it in the Bible. Example.....wars. God is known as the Warrior King. God was a part of many wars/battles taking place in the Bible. He helped make those wars/battles successful. While Jesus may not have been a part of any government, there were ones before his coming and later on well after his death that were. How many Kings existed before Christ that worshiped God? So far very far back in time God and Government were intertwined. Battles were fought and won in the name of God. Yet now, we only see Christendom (false religions) as being the ones that do that very thing. I am totally all for being anti-war and a conscious objector. Yet why should we say that other religions are wrong cuz they have fought in the name of God. Yes maybe God had nothing to do with those battles. But if they read the Bible, its clearly no stranger to that fact that it COULD happen. If God did CHOSE to back up a battle, then victory would take place. War and battles were on occasion backed up by God as proof in the Bible. Just cuz JW's chose to believe that he no longer does so, and therefore we don't involve ourselves in War. Doesn't mean that the opposite is a foreign or wrong concept. God may be a God of Peace...UNLESS it suits him otherwise. I mean hell, for example...Phineas (or however its spelled) MURDERED some people because they were involved in pre-martial sex. And this is looked upon as some glorious righteous act. These days, that's murder and you get thrown in jail. And no JW would condone that. But God and his followers did back then. I mean seriously....its like night and day. It was acceptable in Bible times....but not now. Why does that just not add up. And we wonder why such horrific acts have been committed over the years in the name of God?? I mean really?? I mean yes alot of it is misguided but gee I wonder why. The only evidence they have isn't really one way or another now is it? Where's the consistency?
So many things don't add up if you really think about it. I mean Jesus was to be a ransom and exchange for many. To make up for what Adam did. But how so? Adam and Jesus were both perfect. But Adam wasn't an angel in heaven beforehand. Nor did Adam have the knowledge that Jesus had. Jesus was able to survive and continue on his path set for him by God, cuz he 'remembered' where he was from. He knew he would never really truly die. He knew he would return to God in Heaven. How in the world is this the same as Adam. Adam who knew nothing of evil or badness or Heaven. This is supposed to be proof of God's sacrifice for us. But is it really a sacrifice? What did God lose exactly? What did he risk? Was God really afraid of Jesus not fulfilling his role? Did he think he would never have Jesus return to him by his side in Heaven? Yes I'm sure it wasn't pleasant to watch Jesus be treated as he was....but is it any different then watching his whole Creation suffering in some form or fashion? We are his Creation just as Jesus was. So why would he send his right hand angel, his Son, to Earth to suffer and die and return to him.....are you really telling me that's the only way to redeem mankind? He's GOD! Not to mention that giving us Free Will and then punishing us for using it....especially when those involved were so innocent to not even understand what being deceived meant. I mean really? And like I said above....if Adam and Eve and that whole story never happened...then what's up with redeeming mankind?
Now what about all that is paranormal...supernatural....metaphysical. Growing up a JW or even in many religions. You are taught to believe in spirit creatures, God, angels, Satan, demons etc. All supernatural creatures. The Bible is full of psychics. What do you think Prophets were? They foretold the future. I mean even the men that wrote the Bible were Inspired by God. Exactly how does one think that happens? They had to have channeled God or his angels. Now in the same book...the Bible...it also says to stay away from practicer's of magic etc. I mean could we get any more hypocritical? Its like 'do as I say not as I do'. We should listen to God's prophets...God's psychic's...but that's it? Ummm...exactly why is that? I mean how does that make sense? Why is all of that bad...except when it comes from God. Obviously its not just God that has the ability to do that. But he didn't want us listening to any of the rest of them, only him. Well then why create it that way? Why allow it to be that way? I mean in the world of JW's....it is Satan and his demons (all who used to be angels in heaven) that is behind all that. Is that really possible tho?? I mean I don't think that Satan and his demons are all knowing or all powerful that they could be that many in the different places all over the world at the same time...pretending to be people's dead loved ones. I mean seriously what is gained by that? Again it doesn't add up. Now I read a concept where 'Satan' was indeed an angel of God that got booted out of heaven but only cuz he questioned God one to many times. But demons are actually souls of those that have died and become evil so to speak. Which makes the same amount of sense. And now you go into the whole belief as to whether Humans have souls that survive death. JW's don't believe in that......but if you analyze there other beliefs they actually do. Yes the flesh returns to dust. But if the soul dies too....then how do those 144,000 that go to Heaven actually go to Heaven? How did Jesus go back to Heaven? Wasn't it his soul or his essence be put into a Human's soul? What about the stories in the Bible where spirits of others of God's people were seen and heard and passed messages on? And what about those who have get resurrected...or even in Bible times that got resurrected? If they died and so did there soul, then what is left to be raised up? God supposedly remembers all that have died and in Paradise those who died will rise again. Yet they won't be in the same body but have the same personality???...or memories??....how this possible unless it is their soul that God is saving allowing them to come back to earth. And since there fleshly bodies have already been done away with, he provides them new bodies. I mean this concept is actually not that different from reincarnation. The only difference is that, people believe reincarnation happens now and has been happening for centuries. And the Soul doesn't remember one life from the next. It takes a higher understanding to be able to connect with those memories. And honestly, no one really truly knows how God plans on dealing with resurrection. But logically, if the Soul and everything with that Soul, personality and memories die with each person...then there isn't anything for God to bring back. And in the story of Creation, it was God who breathed life into Adam and Eve. Isn't it possible that the breathe of life was simply the adding of a Soul??? And with the belief of a Soul that survives death, it explains alot. Hauntings, connecting with dead loved ones...etc etc. Not to mention we were created in God's image. So why is it that it would be impossible for us to reach a Higher Understanding that allows us to have seemingly paranormal abilities. To see or communicate with Souls who have passed on. To channel Reiki and heal. Etc etc. If we only use a small percentage of our brain, then imagine what we are capable of if we could use it all. I mean the possibilities are endless. And why shouldn't they be.
Do I believe in Hell. Yes and no. I don't think Hell is as many others see it. I could see how there are different planes of existence. And maybe a limbo type place where those who have died go. And there they have options...to grow and evolve into higher spiritual creatures....or be reincarnated....and those who have died in violent ways and don't know or understand they are dead....may roam the earth....or roam other planes...and it is like a Hell to them. Probably relieving painful moments over and over trying to understand.
Is there an Underworld? Good possibility. Where other evil being/creatures may live. Yep good possibility.
It seems that Good and Bad have always existed. There isn't one without the other. And this is supposedly the Grand Design. It keeps everything in balance. We grow as Humans from making decisions whether they be good or bad or both. If this balance cannot exist without both....Good and Bad...then how can one believe that Bad will be taken away. As mentioned above it seems for this to happen, we would be robbed of Free Will and certain emotions. Anything in either extreme creates a monstrosity in itself. There is no balance. There is no compromise.
Now I'd love to see no sickness or death. But id death is a necessary part of life...then how about no sickness. lol! I'd love to see Peace and no violence. I'd love to see us not destroy the only world we have to live in. And I would love it if God exercised his authority to help us Humans along. Only interfering when needed. Will it really end up like that? *shrug* who knows.
Where does all this leave me in regards to religion? Its all relative. I believe in a Higher Power. I'm not saying that the Bible is wrong. Or that none of it happened. Or that God and his angels and Satan doesn't exist. But for us to think that we really truly know what all that means....is wrong. There is too many things that are unknown. Too many things that we don't or can't fully understand. I believe in being a good person and living a good life. I believe in having balance. In trying to learn and understand to the highest level possible. Everyone has there own path. And should take responsibility for our lives and paths. And if God really is the God we all hope him to be.....then things will work out just fine.