I asked myself that question several months ago. Why? Well I was walking back to my car after having taken my math placement test at Pierce College. I felt like an idiot. I realized how much I had forgotten. I thought about the stuff I would have to 're-learn'. Of course after not doing school work for over 10 years, its no surprise I would have forgotten stuff. I was mad because I wished I could have been doing all this earlier in life, when I actually stood more of a chance of remembering all the stuff I already learned. I felt like I was starting from scratch. Of course in reality I'm not fully starting from scratch. Its not like I remember nothing. And alot of it is bound to come back to me in class.
But I couldn't shake the feeling like I was 'starting over'. Like my life was changing yet AGAIN. I mean yes I was facing having to introduce something new to my life. Going to college felt completely foreign to me. I had no idea what to expect or how I well I would do. I was going to have to add juggling a night class and homework etc. Well it was kinda scary. And I realized this is basically how I have felt many times in my life when I was at those cross roads of introducing new things to my life....when I felt like I was 'starting over'.
Now those other changes in my life ranged anywhere from divorce, to moving from one place to another, or a relationship ending, changing jobs, etc. Basically each time it had to do with something ending and a new beginning. And old perspective needed revising. Each and every time in some form or fashion I had to change my perspective of one thing or another and continue on. I tried to use each and every time to learn something new about myself and life and even love and relationships etc. No use going through stuff if you can't learn from it. But there were a few times when it was alot easier said then done. And when in a relatively short period of time you experience many of those 'starting over' moments....well yeah. Its bound to weigh on a person. Its no fun reaching your 30's an still having to face....'starting over'. In the moment...it didn't feel like a step forward....it felt like I was taking a step back or sideways. Not a fun feeling. Though if I look back now...I was taking steps forward. Small steps. But steps nonetheless. I mean look where I am now. I didn't get here by some major leap. I suppose moving to a different half of the state did take a bit of a leap. But so does getting a divorce. It seems that anything worth doing in life...tends to involve a bit of a leap.
What I realized though is that 'starting over' doesn't always mean taking a step back. And 'starting over' also doesn't mean its a bad thing. I mean change is a part of life. An important part of life. Without change how can you really move forward in life? Every single change in my life has brought something new into my life that has continued to allow me to move forward. Its provided some sort of motivation to create change, to bring about better things for myself. This is why I can say that I still moved forward even if it didn't feel like it. I always managed to find a way to bring something better into my life. Whether it be a better job, a better car, a better boyfriend, a better place to live...etc etc. Again...it didn't always feel like that in the moment. But looking back I do see the pattern. And along the way when maybe I was taking more of a sideways step vs. a step forward, I used that time to learn more about myself, about what the next steps were that I wanted to make, etc. So I made the time as productive as possible.
Going to college for me is totally for the purpose of giving myself the ability to take other steps forward in my career. Because I realized I was stranded in stasis in my position at work and I hated it. And when a potential opportunity came to my attention...I realized the direction I needed to go in if I wanted to move up. So that's why I started taking the steps I did. Do I relish having to do this at 31? No not really. Though its not like people way older then me haven't started college to get a degree and further their career. So its not like I'm alone in the concept. So I really don't have that much to feel bad about....but then why in the hell did it bother me? Well I was taking steps to create change that will allow my future to have more opportunities career-wise. A perspective that I really wasn't used to having. Seriously never in a 1000 years would I have ever imagined going to college, not alone at 31. For a very long time my focus for the future was...well lets say way more domestic. I have had to learn to release alot of that focus and be open to what the future had in store for me. Whatever it may be. Taking this step of going to school made me suddenly worry....where did it leave me for all the other things in life I hoped to attain. I think this is part of why it made me feel like I was 'starting over'. All the other times in the past when life changed and I felt like I was 'starting over' all over again....it was the idea of not knowing how my future would turn out with this new change....and that possibly the things I wanted or hoped for....would now be put off that much longer into the future. And that was exactly what I started feeling again. 'Gee I'm taking a good step to improve myself and my life...but how long will that really take and what things have I unknowingly put on hold or pushed down the line and how will that affect if I even get them' etc etc. Its not a good mental path to take. I had to stop that quickly.
I think its a normal place our brain goes when we contemplate and take actions to bring about changes in our lives. We worry about the future. But why the obsession about the future? The future isn't set. Anything is possible. And there is no way to know what really can come about. It easy to freak out about all the bad things that could happen...but really...there are plenty of good things that could come about too. Things that we really had no way to see coming. So why freak out about it? What good does that do? What matters is the present. Deal with the future when it gets here. If you do your best to do good, make the best decisions, and take actions, in the present, then how can your future really turn out that bad? Its all about what we do today, that helps create a better tomorrow.
So once again I had to refocus myself and do the best I can now...take one step at a time...and maybe the future won't be as bad as I could imagine it to be. Its for sure a handicap sometimes when you have a super active imagination. lol! I gotta use that lovely imagination to do good right now...in each moment I experience, when I experience it. Not that planning for the future is out of the question. Or that looking at all the variables and possibilities to help make the right decisions as you move along is a bad thing either. Its this really fine line between doing it in a positive way to help you move forward successfully and doing it in a negative way that has you freaking out or frozen in fear cuz of the worry of things going wrong or not turning out right etc etc. And I realized that I had no desire to give up all the other things I want in my future. And that if I just take it a step at a time...and keep all those things in front of me...not giving up on having them...that my path may still take me there. And as to how soon it will happen....well I really gotta stop worrying about that part of it. And for me, its a tad easier said then done...but am constantly working on it. And I recognize that if I stop worrying about how quickly things will happen, that they might happen before I even know it.
Isn't it interesting how something like starting college can bring out such interesting revelations? I mean I never thought to analyze the whole 'starting over' feeling before. But I think it brought good insights. It helped me create a different perspective that not only I can apply now and in the future, but also a different perspective of my past. And well its kinda nice to have a positive perspective of all those changes that really didn't feel very positive at all at the time.
My advice to others (and myself of course)....that 'starting over' feeling....its a good thing. Don't fear it...don't avoid it...embrace it...keep moving forward. Even if you feel like your taking a step back....it really is a step forward in the life your trying to create for yourself. Without it....how will you get anywhere? Don't hesitate to keep trying to reach our hopes and dreams and goals. Despite all the ups and downs it may create...one day when you look back...you'll see it wasn't all for nothing as it may have felt at times. And THAT feeling...is priceless.
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